konfessions of the Koog

The Prospect of Parenting

2009-03-04T11:04:00.013-05:00

Lot's has been going on lately, Koog-Fans.

We've traveled some, cried some, laughed some and worked lots. Isaac, our puppy is approaching his 1st birthday and our beloved Bailey has been gone for nearly a year now but never forgotten. I'm happy that the Wife is nearly done with her away from home assignment and will rejoin the household full-time in a few short months.

Now that life is settling down for us, we're preparing for our biggest project yet, a baby. Yes, a little Koog. Our very own bean-eating, video game playing, drum-banging, mini-Koog. Although, there is no "bun-in-the-oven" just yet, the planner that I am has begun the requisite preparation.

I vacillate hourly between unbridled excitement and shear terror. Everyone tells me, "Dude, your life is going to change." That's exactly what freaks me out. I like my life. Actually, I LOVE my life. I am the center of my universe. I do what I want, when I want (of course, with permission from the wife). I eat what I want, when I want and sometimes I eat out of inappropriate containers. (Shout out to E-Bone!)

When I think about the lifetime commitment we’re about to make to this little being, I start to sweat like I’m trapped in an elevator on a hot summer day. Will I love this pooping, crying, peeing, living shackle bound to my ankle? Will I be a good parent? Can I minimize the amount of therapy the kid will need when it’s older? Will my neurotic ways and obsessive planning rub off in a negative way? Will hate me?

And then, in a split second, the terror is over and I start to feel the excitement. I can picture Mrs. Koog holding the baby for the first time. I feel the love in her eyes. I wonder what its first word will be? Will it get excited to see me when I get home from work? Will it know how much we love it?

Are these thoughts and feelings all prospective parents go through? My parents seemed like old pros to me and I was their only kid. Will the wife and I be able to pull off that kind of con?

So, this is where I am. More questions than answers. More excitement than fear.

Realizing that I need to stop referring to my prospective offspring as “it.”

Advice is welcome.

Wii will Rock You

2008-08-13T16:30:00.003-04:00

For my b-day this year, I asked for toys. Again. For the 36th time. Why can't I ask for adult things like restaurant gift cards, golf clubs or household items? I guess I could ask for these things, but the bigger question is why don't I want them?

So this year was about the Wii. Momma-Koog got me the Wii console, Wii Fit and Mario Kart with the Wii wheel. Of course, I wanted every accessory for my Wii that was available on the free market. My Wife, the woman that has the patience of a saint, proved her love once again by getting me the Wii Sports pack with the extra controller, the sports accessory bundle with the tennis racket among other cool things, the controller recharging system, HD cables and all sorts of other awesome Wii things.

With the gift cards from my Mother & Sister-in-Law, I got RockBand, Wii Ski, another nunchuk, Rapala Fishing, and the recharger for the Wii fit.

I think the only person impressed by my Wii-loot was my neighbor. He's 7.

After much persuasion, The Wife and Momma agreed to play RockBand with me. My Wife is an amazing Wii Bassist. Who knew? Momma, on the other hand, not so gifted in the music department. She was asked to leave the band after trying her hand at the drums, guitar, bass and vocals (ouch). She is now our number one fan/groupie/chef and dog sitter.

We are looking for a drummer...anyone out there interested?

Momma-Koog Went to Market

2008-08-13T11:19:00.004-04:00

So, The Wife works out of town and I am left to my own devices during the week. This means I have full responsibility for the house and the feeding of myself and our new puppy, Isaac.

Let's just say, I have a different palate than most. I love beans. Beans, beans, beans. Love 'em. Our pantry is stocked with all types of canned beans. Garbanzo, red kidney, pink kidney, lima, Green, and the list goes on and on. As long as I have my beans and vinegar, all is right in the world.

Needless to say, I don't need to stock or, even open the fridge since my beans are in cans.

Now, Momma-Koog came to visit me and Isaac 2.5 weeks ago. She is Italian and she loves her Koog, so she feeds her Koog.

It is always interesting watching the horror on my Mom's face when she looks at the contents of my fridge. This time was no exception.

Unfortunately, it has been a few weeks since The Wife has been home, so the fridge is feeling the pain. It was chock full of items that had expired at least 3 weeks prior to Momma-Koog's arrival. Being the great Mom that she is, she cleaned out the fridge. When I arrived home that night, she looked drawn and pale. She said there was nothing to eat in the house. Of course, I challenged this assertion. "What are you talking about? We have a whole pantry full."

She proceeded to the kitchen, opened the fridge and, alas, she was right! Besides gourmet mustard, sharp provolone cheese, beer, and BBQ sauces, the damn thing was empty. "How can you live like this?" she asks

I explained my bean addiction and told her we have a pantry full of meals. We could even make 3 bean salad out out any 3 beans she wanted. She was not amused.

So, Momma-Koog went to the grocery the next morning. When I got home, the house smelled amazing. A home cooked meal by a real, live Italian Mom. Heaven.

Maybe there is more to food than just beans.

Thanks, Ma. Isaac, me and The Fridge miss you already.

I'm back KoogFans!

2008-08-13T11:14:00.002-04:00

Wow.

It's been to long since I've posted. So much has changed. Here's a brief recap of events over the past 2 years

The girlfriend is now the wife
My beloved dog passed on
The wife and I got a new puppy
I am 36

So, that's the brief recap of what's been going on with me. I'm working on another post. Be patient, the Koog is thinking

Movin' on in

2006-04-27T11:48:00.000-04:00

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I’ve been to Europe and Southeast Asia for work, I nearly burned down my fence grilling shrimp kabobs on my charcoal grill and…let me think, I know there is something else…oh yeah, the Girlfriend moved in with me.

I know, I know; “Koog, this is huge! How could you nearly forget to mention that?” Fans calm down…I was just kidding and it is huge, especially for a commitment-phobe like me.

So, you may be asking, “Koog, how did this happen?” Well, let me tell you.

We have had a long running debate about our living status for quite some time. I think I posted earlier that we were cohabitating between two different domiciles. It worked well for a while, as the one place was close to both of our work locations and the other place was more of a larger, country home. But, in the end, it was taxing and expensive to keep up 2 mortgages and try to balance time at both places. Not to mention that if we’re going to do the whole double-ring-swap thing in the future, we should have a place that is “ours” and not this Koog and Hers thing we had going.

I’m not sure how we agreed on it or if we even discussed it, but all of a sudden the movers were at her place taking things out and at my place bringing those same things in.

Whoa…that was fast. I started to freak out as I noticed my things being moved, sorted for Goodwill or tossed. OHMYGOD, my precious collection of baseball hats with precision sweat rings are not on the floor of my (our) closet. HEY, where are my 2 cases of toilet paper? That was the good stuff from Costco and no, you can never have enough. OH-NO-SHE-DIDN’T toss away my “Sure Thing” shirt. That was a good shirt, man.

What was I doing and more importantly, why was I doing it? Am I sure she’s the one? Will I lose all my free will and become a drone that follows the Girlfriend around like a puppy and agrees with everything she says? What if she turns out to be psycho and burns my underwear in a pile on the bathroom floor? What if she’s a spy? What if she’s a crazy Irish murderess that kills her mates with poison potato soup? I was getting nauseous from all of the motion.

Then, just as my “What ifs” were getting out of control, she came up behind me and hugged me. In that instant, the world slowed down and the nausea stopped. She was not some potato-crazed killer, she was my Girl, this amazing woman that deserves someone so much better than me.

I turned around to look at her and I could see she was having the same fears about me. I didn’t know whether to be happy that she’d understand my nerves or scared because she was as anxious as I was about this.

After talking a little about the boxes that littered our once neat home, I noticed my anxiety feigning and could see the same in her.

As I write this, we’ve lived together for a week. She’s on a business trip until tomorrow night and I find myself dreading the night alone.

I guess the home I called mine and only mine for so long is now really “Ours.”

Out of Alignment

2006-02-02T21:53:00.000-05:00

I think this will be my last post for a while, I think I've lost my inspiration. The girlfriend and I may not make it. "Koog, what the hell happened?" you may ask. The answer is I'm not sure.

The other night we were talking, and I broke my cardinal rule; I asked a question I didn't want to hear the answer to. I asked her if she loved me or if she was in love with me. After a pause that seemed like eternal silence, she looked at me with those eyes I know so well, and she didn't have to say a word. That eternal silence turned into an piercing tone that shattered my heart. I know, I know, Koog isn't that sensitive, but I am.

After much consultation with friends and family that love us as individuals and as a couple, we come to the conclusion that it's semantics. We agree that we're better together, we love each other too much to walk away. She tells me she's happy, that she's made a mistake, all of the things I want to here, but it's different now. I can't explain it. I don't want to loose her, but I feel like I already have. Not because she wants to leave, but because she's somehow different to me. The woman that has crushed my heart can't be the same one I entrusted with it.

There is a war between my head and my heart. My head tells me (with an I-told-you-so arrogance) to walk away and never look back. I trusted too much. I was too exposed. It reminds me of my previous relationship. It's heard this before. You can't make someone love you. It tells me to get out now before you lose another 12 years.

But, my heart says stay. It makes me look into her eyes and see our future. Remember our dreams. It reminds me that I love her and I can't turn that off. My heart says all is not lost, this is only a bump in the road. This is nothing like my previous relationship. Her actions and words don't match. It tells me she's scared and that's why she's pushing me away. It tells me if I leave I'll always wonder, "what if?"

The sounds of battle are deafening and the collateral damage is great. I'm stuck between these 2 rival forces, immobile.

It's funny how life makes you witness things that, at the time seem unnecessary, but come back as a beacon getting you through the darkest night. For example, My favorite aunt died of cancer in May of 2005. She was only 52 years old and the loss was devastating for my Uncle. They were the most devoted couple, best friends and lovers. I've always considered them my relationship role models. At her funeral, the Priest talked about their relationship. Now, those that know me well, know I'm not the most religious person; but what he said about their marriage has stuck with me for some reason. Relationships always start out level, perfectly aligned. As they grow, sometimes one person rises above the other or stumbles below. When they realize that their partner is not on aligned, they wait for them to catch up, or they go back and help them rise. It's ok to be out of alignment, people grow and learn at different speeds and in different ways. What matters is that in the end the couple always returns to level. He said that alignment was the sign of true love.

So here I sit, downstairs, alone at the keyboard writing an entry I know she'll read. She is upstairs, resting in preparation for a busy day at work. Two people on different planes and out of alignment. I've stopped to look for her, I'm just not sure she wants to be found.

Finding a companion for GZ…A call to the wild

2006-01-17T15:26:00.000-05:00

So, I’m in talking with my officemate, GZ, and she’s telling me about this wedding she must attend in April and she needs a date. This is causing her much stress, which leads to a very stressful workday for Koog.

Ever since I’ve known GZ, which has been all of 4 months, she’s been looking for a companion. Now, she’s barking up the wrong tree asking me for dating advice. All of my friends are either married, too old or pervs. A select few are all of the above and I salute each and every one of you!

OK, so back to GZ. She needs a date. Here are her criteria (in order of importance):

1. Must be hot. (if you’re hot, married and pervy are fine)
2. Tall (no midgets will be considered at this time)
3. Witty (I’ve tried to tell her that I’m witty, but alas, I am too short)
4. Must have most, if not all teeth (white-ish is preferred)
5. Clothing is NOT optional (at the wedding, the after party is negotiable)

If you’re interested, send an e-mail and a pic to koog.rules@gmail.com.

Void where prohibited by law.

Resolutions and Dissolutions

2006-01-17T11:54:00.000-05:00

So it’s 2006. My annual tradition of making and breaking New Year’s resolutions is in full swing.

On New Year’s Eve, I resolved to:

-Work out more (because I’m becoming increasingly porky)
-Stop complaining about being coupled (when I’m secretly ecstatic about it)
-Stop throwing my clothes on the floor
-Clean out my closet to make more room for the Girlfriend’s stuff
-Delete the myriad episodes of American Chopper from the Girlfriends TiVo
-Give up “Good and Plenty” candy, cold turkey

It’s the third week in January, and I have to say, I’m failing miserably on nearly all of my resolutions. I can’t even say, “I’ve tried,” because on some, I haven’t.

OK, let’s do a re-cap of my status on each resolution:

Work out more —this has already been broken, as I have actually worked out less in all of 2006 than I did in the last week of December 2005. Soon, I’ll need to wear my pants below my belly and exit my house sideways to make room for my girth. After that, it's plumbers crack and an intervention on Oprah.

Stop complaining about being coupled—This was broken just this past weekend when I told my buddy I’d sell my girlfriend for an hour with Jessica Simpson. My Girlfriend and my buddie’s wife were not amused. I tried to clarify that I probably wouldn’t “sell her” per se, but there was no digging out of that hole. In reality, I wouldn’t give her up for anything, not even Jessica Simpson. I mean, Jessica can’t even cook!

Stop throwing my clothes on the floor—Broken at 1:29 am 1/1/06, at a hotel in Washington, DC. The girlfriend is moving to drastic measures on this one. She’s started to shame me, bringing up my dresser/hamper to my friends and sending me messages on "classes" focused on differentiating the floor from the laundry basket.

Clean out my closet to make more room for the Girlfriend’s stuff—This is the only resolution I can count as complete. The Girlfriend and I did it 2 weeks ago. I parted with some of my most prized articles of clothing; all but 1 pair of plaid Bermuda shorts, many classic T-shirts with sayings like “Sure Thing” and “¿Donde Estan Mis Pantelones?” The latter was too painful to part with, so I kept it as a “dust cloth.” When the Girl’s away, the T and I will play. I hope she doesn’t read this….

Delete the myriad episodes of American Chopper from the Girlfriends TiVo—I think this is becoming a bother to the Girlfriend. At her place, we have 2 TiVo’s; one in the living room and one in the bedroom. The one in the living room is all hers. Lot’s of HGTV and PBS crap, I mean quality broadcasts, saved on it. I’ve staked claim to the bedroom TiVo. The Girlfriend and I have different opinions of quality entertainment. I like American Chopper, Wife Swap, Football, and Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. She tolerates all of these shows because she’s patient and, I think, may have a strange, unexplained fondness for me. So, we’re watching TV in bed last month and I hit the “Now Playing” list on TiVo and like 50 American Chopper episodes appear. She very calmly turns to me and says, “Babe, maybe you should delete some of these”. Fast forward a month, and on Sunday night we’re watching TV in bed, I hit the “Now Playing” list, and again, a butt load of American Chopper episodes appear. She’s not amused because now the TiVo is full and her “Designed to Sell” episodes have not recorded in nearly a month. She’s puzzled by the mass quantity of American Chopper's, but I explain that I don’t want to miss a minute of those crazy Teutle boys and set the TiVo to keep all episodes until I delete them. She turns over, disgusted with me and my fondness for all things OCC. It was a long, cold night.

Give up “Good and Plenty” candy cold turkey—This is my Achilles heel. I love these things and I don’t know why! They’re like little pink and white crack licorice. There is a store in my building and the sweet little shopkeeper buys cases just for me. I’m up to 3 boxes a day. My officemate, I’ll call her the Genius Zygote or GZ, because she’s way too smart and way too young, has offered to hide my junk and will physically restrain me should I try to buy more. Thanks, GZ. This will help me prevent that Oprah Intervention I talked about earlier.

Semantics

2005-12-12T16:05:00.000-05:00

Coming to terms with my life as a couple has been a little hard for me. I was a card-carrying single. No ties, no conscience, no problems. I was a field player and boy, did I play the heck out of that field. Now I find myself inextricably bound to someone else and feeling happy about it, but still holding on to that last bit of the single life: living alone.

Since I last blogged, so much has happened. I left my old job, started my new one and the girl and I are living together. The first two, while jarring in their own right, were easy to acclimate to, the whole living together thing took more time.

So, my new job is in consulting, (of course), and my client is 1.1 miles from the girlfriend’s house. We decided it would be a good idea for me to stay at her place during the week and we would stay at my house in the country on the weekends. To me, this was just “staying over.”

One night we are talking about our situation and she blurts out the “we’re living together” comment and I explain that the dog and I are just overnight guests.

She points out that I’ve moved many of my clothes to her house. I rebut, with the fact that, I’ve denied repeated attempts to give me space in her dressers. This type of clothing storage is unnecessary. I need to have my clothes out in the open in case a quick departure should become necessary. After all, I’m just staying over and many times overnight guests wear out their welcome.

She mentions the dog. As I said before, my dog is also “staying over.” For months, I decline offers to buy him new food bowls, instead of the plasticware ones he’s eating out of. He’s a big guy, so the dishes need to be elevated. I opt for putting the plasticware on top of paint cans rather than have something so permanent as an eating station for him at my Girlfriend’s house. She points out that; number one, she bought him an elevated dish system a few weeks back; and he has his own bed at her house. Damn, she got me on that one. I acquiesce that point. The dog, or as I like to call him “Traitor” has definitely moved in.

She points out the household chores. She cooks all our meals and I do the dishes. She washes the clothes and I fold them. We watched Jeopardy every night. She says this type of domesticity must mean we’re living together. I say absolutely not. It’s just a domestic routine.

We agree to table the discussion, but weeks pass and it’s still top-off-mind for me. I decide the only way for me to convince her that I’m just an overnight guest is to call in the unbiased opinions of my close friends.

I phone E-Bone, one of my reliable confidants, who lives in Texas. I explained our argument to her. The girlfriend cuts to the quick and brazenly asks E-Bone how she would define our living situation. Without missing a beat, E-Bone said; “Of course you’re living together, I can see this and I live in Texas.” How snide.

Next, I phone one of my best confidants in Arkansas. Alas, she will see it my way. I explain the situation to her. She replies; “You’re cohabitating in 2 different domiciles.”

Somehow that seems easier to digest. “Cohabitating between 2 different domiciles,” it just rolls off the tongue. Yeah, that’s it. The girl and I agree that if asked, we would tell people that we're cohabitating between 2 different domiciles.

I’ve been able to get used to this idea. The girlfriend just shakes her head and laughs each time I correct someone who has mistakenly referenced us living together. “We’re cohabitating between 2 different domiciles,” I tell them sternly.

This worked for me for quite a while. Recently, my neighbor, the one that knows most things, asked me and the girl about Christmas. Did we want individual gifts or one gift for us as a couple? Without hesitation, I answered “One gift is fine, we’re living together.” The girlfriend smiles as she realizes the enormity of what I’ve said.

I wince. I feel my freedom slipping a way. “Me” falls into “We.”

Could my slip of the tongue mean that I’m growing up and accepting the fact that I’m one half of a cool (and strikingly attractive) couple? Probably not.

I think I've finally realized that I'm not losing a part of myself, rather I'm gaining the happiness I've always wanted and never thought I'd have.

Or, she's brainwashing me.

Harsh Illuminations

2005-09-22T15:15:00.000-04:00

So, the Girlfriend and I have hit some bumps.

Lately, I've been feeling a little taken for granted. I know that's a wuss thing to say, but it's true. The honeymoon is over. We don't see each other through the blissful filters and soft lighting that in the beginning made each of us look flawless. Now we're under harsh low-end department-store-like fluorescents that enhance even the most subtle blemishes and cause headaches until your eyes can adjust.

In the beginning, the soft focus days, there were e-mails with things like "must do something other than think of you" and "you are always on my mind." Now, I'm lucky if I get complete sentences and a signature.

I've never thought of myself as high maintenance, but maybe I am. Is it wrong to want a bit of the niceties back in our relationship? Am I wrong to want this? Am I wrong to feel shortchanged since I'm not getting it? Am I wrong to write about it publicly? I've always been of the opinion that feelings are never wrong or right, they just are what they are.

As I write this, I'm starting to think of her. See her face, hear her voice, her laugh and I'm smiling. You see, we've not seen a whole lot of each other lately. Work, family visits, conflicting schedules and life in general has gotten in our way, interrupted our flow. The only thing we have now is words to express ourselves. No eye contact, no smiles across the room, no cuddling at night. Nothing but words.

That's the problem. We've agreed that I'm effusive and she's not. It's just not her style. She shows her feelings by doing things. All it takes is a quick glance in her eyes and I know what she's thinking, how she's feeling. That's worth more than a few nice words in an e-mail, but right now, e-mails and words are all we have.

This is the first time in our relationship that we've hit a snag. I guess our eyes are adjusting to reality's harsh lighting. Once we focus, all will be ok.

Naked in the Snow

2005-09-09T14:18:00.000-04:00

When I'm bored, I sometimes think of how things come to be defined. Like the word "sweet." Who decided what "sweet" was and who created the word? Does "sweet" taste different to me that it is to others? What is my threshold for "sweet" vs. "sour"?

I was thinking of this as I drove to work this morning. The Girlfriend and I talked about love this morning. Where is the trip-switch for falling in love? At what point in a relationship do you really feel it? Is there a checklist of things a person has to do to be loved by the other? Is it more qualitative than quantitative?

Can you make someone fall in love you? The popular answer is no, but is that really true? When we court and date and caress and compliment, isn't that making someone fall in love with you? Is love simultaneous? After all, you're both experiencing this relationship bliss at the same time, so why wouldn't love develop concurrently?

Love is an emotion that frightens me. It makes me feel exposed and vulnerable and satisfied all at the same time. As if I were naked in the snow yet still safe and warm. That feeling of warmth and safety made me say those dreaded 3 words.

Saying them, even in the quietest, most tender of moments can be deafening. It seemed that the entire world had heard me. I waited patiently for a response, yet none came. There I was, naked in the snow, only this time without that safe, warm feeling.

I may be a bit frostbitten, but I will persevere, you know why, because I'm in love.

Without Condition

2005-09-07T17:15:00.000-04:00

I took my dog swimming this weekend. It's strange to get so much pleasure watching him swim and play. He's truly the light of my life and makes my spirit come alive like few others can. I love him, without condition.

I remember when I first got him. Actually, he was a gift from the Ex.
We both agree that he was the best thing to happen to either of us. She was very supportive during the most horrible period of my life. I can't ever thank her enough for standing by me during that time. She gave so much during that time. All of it intangible. Except, of course, for my boy.

Setting the Scene:

I had just come off of a rough year. Cancer diagnosis, treatments, lost weight, lost hope, lost job and frankly, just plain lost. As I sit here writing and reminiscing , I have a hard time recognizing that person with the broken spirit.

Mending my spirit was very difficult for me. At 25, I faced my own mortality and the fear associated with that shook me to my core. According to the doctors, physically, I was fine, well, as close to fine as a person rolling off of cancer can be. My psyche was a different story.

Sparing you all of the details, most which are too painful to recollect, I left my job, or it left me, during the cycle of treatment. I was emotionally frail and my self esteem was at an all time low.

Time passed, and I began to pick myself. Slowly but surely things started to fall into place: the former job had to pay in dollars for their cruelty, I found a new job, and I made a great new friend, K, that would soon become family.

But still something was missing. I was insecure about things. My body, the one vessel humans believe is faithful to them unconditionally, failed me. I needed something that would love me, damaged goods and all, without condition.

"Maybe a plant," I suggested to my ex. Knowing my history with plants, she felt giving me one to tend to was cruel and unusual punishment for our botanical friends.

A dog. That was the ticket.

I wanted a dog for a while, but money was very tight while I was sick and she needed to focus on feeding us with her meager salary. But now things were different. I was raking in the big bucks. $36,000 per year! We had hit the mother load of cash.

So, looking through the Sunday classifieds one day, I saw an ad for "Lab-mix puppies, all shots, $96" with a phone number. She called and we went to check them out. "Not to get one," she made very clear, but to check them out. Like window shopping.

We got there and walked back to a small shed where the kind lady kept all the pups she rescued.

Corrals of small breeds were in the front of the shed. MinPin mixes. Very cute and very small. She led us to the large room in the back where 9 of the cutest black lab mix puppies temporarily resided.

We were hooked. We knew we couldn't leave with out one of these furry little beasts. The Ex told the lady we were interested in adopting a male and she proceeded to take all 8 of them out of their pen. Once out, they roamed around the room. Sniffing, licking and exploring. Tails wagged and "oooo's" and "awe, how cute's" were plentiful.

They were all so cute and sweet, how could we choose? Just then, one sweet little guy came over to us. He looked up at me and the Ex and sat on her foot. "I think we'll take this one," I said to the kind lady as she smiled at me and the Ex.

While we were filling out the paper, I called my friend K to let her know about the lone female left in her pen. "I WANT THAT DOG," she said to the lady. The lady laughed and put a "sold" sign on the cute little girl.

The next morning, brother and sister were reunited. The cool thing is K and I are still good buddies and our beasts still play from time to time.

As I watched my puppy, almost 7 now, play in the lake on Monday, I realized that he loved me, without conditions or restrictions,and he taught me how to do the same, not just back to him, but to others.

Saddness and gratitude

2005-09-01T15:59:00.000-04:00

I've been reading CNN.com obsessively to get the latest on the disaster in NOLA, MS, AL and FLA. Seeing the images of the souls that were lost and those that are left behind fighting to survive is traumatizing even though I am lucky enough to not have any friends or family in harms way.

All we can do is watch and support the men and women working to help those suffering in Katrina's wake. Please consider donating to the Red Cross to help in the rescue, recovery and rebuilding efforts. Click here to contribute: https://www.redcross.org/donate/donation-form.asp

When I go home tonight I will hug my Girlfriend and my dog , smile at my neighbors, call my Mother and thank God for the roof over my head and the safety of those I love.

To my loyal readers: Look around you and appreciate what you have and who you have. Hug your family, friends and pets and never forget how fragile life is.

Seven Things Quiz (for MsN.)

2005-08-30T13:08:00.000-04:00

Seven things you plan to do before you die!!

1. Own a boat
2. Go to Egypt
3. Take my Mom to Italy
4. Take my dog to the ocean
5. Make someone happy
6. Be someone's soulmate
7. Have a pool to swim in at night

Seven things you can do!!
1. Play foosball
2. Say "go to your place" in German
3. Drive Fast
4. Think
5. Laugh
6. Play Frisbee with my dog
7. Play the drums and trumpet

Seven things you can't do!!!
1. Dance
2. Quit my job
3. Truly express myself to the one's I love
4. Trust people easily
5. Lie to my Girlfriend
6. Clean my garage without help
7. Organize stuff

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex!! (hehe)
1. Brain
2. Sense of Humor
3. Heart
4. Lips
5. Eyes
6. Hair
7. Legs

Seven things you say most!!!
1. "I'm sorry"
2. "I hate my job"
3. "I like you a whole heck-of-a-lot"
4. "How much do you need?"
5. "Bailey, NO"
6. "Bailey, I love you"
7. "Wassup"

Seven celebrity crushes!!!
1. Jennifer Beals
2. Neve Campbell
3. Rosie O'Donnell
4. Amy Wynn-Pastor
5. Michelle Clunie
6. Erin Daniels
7. Shakira (Sha-Hottie!)

Fly Like an Eagle

2005-08-27T15:22:00.000-04:00

Tonight I'm going to see the Steve Miller Band. They Rock.

Contingency Plan

2005-08-22T18:10:00.000-04:00

OK, anyone familiar with me knows I am usually a clear headed thinker and decision maker, but lately, in my personal life, I’m a disaster. I'm so guarded I can't make rational decisions. My thought processes are clouded by fear and the decisions I make reflect my impaired visibility.

So, you may ask, "Koog, why are you so foggy?" Well, for the first time in my life, I'm vulnerable. As I've mentioned before, I've met someone that I care about more deeply than I ever believed I could and have entrusted her with my heart, a part of me that has never before been so exposed to another person.

In my previous relationship, my heart was not at risk in the same way. First of all, I was way too young to understand the difference between lust and love. Once I figured out that the lust + time= resentment; 12 years had passed. The Ex and I ended the relationship and started to rebuild our lives alone.

Sure, I dated after the break-up and even thought I was in love once, but I wasn't. I object of my affection was an emotionally unavailable woman living 3000 miles away. I knew that she would not chip away at the wall I’d built around myself. She was not a threat and when it was over (or should I say when it stalled out) I was not hurt, just disappointed that I had misjudged her for so long.

So, what does all this sappy, analytical crap have to do with the title of today's posting, “Contingency Plan?” Well, let me explain.

As you may have gathered in the previous post, I am gearing up to leave my current place of employment and move on to my own business. After much internal struggle, soul searching, arguments, conversations and the appearance of 3 new gray hairs, I decided I needed to begin the professional "break-up" and call a meeting with my boss.

During this time of angst, the Girlfriend was gone on vacation. Although she knew of the work issues prior to her departure, I tried to keep her vacation free from stress and leave her out of the day-to-day madness that had become my job. Due to travel schedules, my 0ne-on-one with the bossman had to be last week. This was my opportunity to begin the separation. Of course, I was nervous to have the conversation with him, but I had to do it PDQ to begin a transition plan.

But the Girl was gone for a few more days. I had to tell her about the decision I had come to, but how? I had gotten used to seeking her counsel on matters like this. She's so level headed. I have so much respect with her ability to asses a situation, think about possible solutions, foresee any consequence and make a decision. Read the previous post on buying the new car. She had great insight on what to buy.

It was not just her counsel I was worried about, it was her reaction to my unilateral decision. Would she think I was being irrational or impulsive? Would she want to be with someone that was taking such a risk? Would she see that this was the opportunity of a lifetime and I was thinking of our future by taking the risk now rather than later? Would she end it?

I could answer all but one of the above questions with rational answers, but that last question remained unanswerable: Would she end it? Just then the fog rolled in. How could I let myself be so vulnerable? Why did I let her have control over my heart? How did I get so exposed? I had to have a plan to protect myself, a contingency plan.

So, I came home from work and talked to my ultimate confidante, my neighbor. She and I have known each other for only a year, but she knows me better than most people. I told her about my situation and she told me not to worry about it. The Girl was better than that. She liked me a whole heck of a lot and it had nothing to do with my employment, she would support me no matter what. This girl was different; the neighbor said wisely, I need to have faith in her and in our relationship.

After listening to her sage advice and completely ignoring it, I began to formulate my contingency plan. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to contact Happy Ending.

Happy Ending and I were never in a relationship, per se, but we were seeing each other on and off for over 1.5 years. Kind of like friends with benefits, until she told me how she felt about me and the future she saw for us. I explained that I did not feel the same way about her and probably never would. We've remained friends, although we don't see each other much any more. The Girl and I ran into her a few months back. Happy Ending knew immediately this was different. She congratulated me, wished me well and has stayed away. Knowing the depth of her feelings, this was an amazingly kind and selfless act that I know I would never be capable of. She's an amazing person and has one of the purest hearts I know.

So, back to the story... In the fog of fear, I ignore my neighbor's advice, and call Happy Ending. I immediately regret doing this. She answers the phone, a moment of clarity sets in, we talk briefly and superficially. All I can talk about is the Girlfriend. I ask her to go to dinner with us next week. She sounds fine with it. We exchange goodbyes and hang-up.

My neighbor comes over to hang with me. I can't tell her that I've called Happy Ending because she'll open a can of whop-ass on me for being so stupid, so we just hang out. The Girlfriend calls and I break the news about my impending self-employment to her. She's completely unphased by the whole turn of events. She agrees that this is the right thing to do. She's incredibly supportive and full of confidence that everything will be fine. I tell her that I had a contingency plan, and I can here the confusion in her voice. She asks if she’d ever given me a reason to doubt her support, I reply “no.” And she really had never given me a reason to doubt her.

Filled with happiness, I forget that I contacted Happy Ending, until last night.

During our walk with the dog, I finally come clean about my contingency plan and explain that we may be going out to dinner with Happy Ending later this week. I can see in her eyes she’s disappointed in me for doubting her. She told me I was a loser, smiled at me and gave me the “you just got a pass” look. In a weird way,I think she understand why I do the things I do.

I always say, “Koog, it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them,” and I did learn a few valuable ones this time:
--It's ok to feel vulnerable and scared when dealing with matters of the heart
--Trust and faith in your significant other is essential
--Always listen to your Neighbor
--My Girlfriend is right, I am a loser

Swimming to shore

2005-08-19T15:10:00.000-04:00

It's hard to leave something you've been a part of for a number of years. As soon as the decision is made to move on from something you've spent a significant amount of time building, you get nostalgic. Maybe it's not that bad? Maybe the environment will recover? No, none of these things will improve.

I'm faced with this situation now. I've been with something for a few years, worked tirelessly to make it better, took it to the pinnacle, watched it nearly crumble and now need to make the hard decision to move on.

Personally, I need to be challenged and this situation lent itself to that perfectly. Facing multiple, seemingly insurmountable, intellectual obstacles was fun to me. Everyday was unique. Everyone on the team was brilliant and dedicated. Each day we faced different challenges, dealt with difficult personalities, but we were all committed to a common goal: personal and professional growth with monetary rewards for all. We were pure-hearted capitalists.

But over the past year, it's been different. The challenges changed and the goal shifted to a money-only focus. Gone were the haute intellectual battles fought with strong esprit de corps. They were replaced with personality conflicts and hidden agendas. No one stepping up when there was a problem, instead it was a quick retreat with index fingers pointed toward the closest colleague.

I can't function in this type of environment. Actually, I won't function this way. Of course, I can play the political games and am usually quite savvy at it. But for what? It's not like I'm politicking with intellectual Olympians here, it's more like playing chess with a bunch of Uno players. Maybe I'm arrogant? I am. I admit it. But I can't play that game.

My team felt the same way. I'm watching them leave one by one. Nostalgic about past successes, but unwilling to fight another battle for a seemingly endless war, they walk away. One at a time. To new positions, to new cities, to new lives.

Will I ever be as smart as I was with these brilliant people behind me? Probably not. Will I ever have a team that offered so much support, and sometimes tough-love? No.

Heraclites once said "you can never step into the same river twice."

I'm drenched and am swimming to shore. I hope the people I find on whatever beach I land are as amazing as those I swam with for so long.

Apology

2005-08-19T14:31:00.000-04:00

I feel I must apologize to my adoring fans for not posting for over a week. Things in my life have been a bit hectic.

Idle Hands are the Devil's Playground

2005-08-10T15:14:00.000-04:00

Since injuring my arm at Kayak practice in January, I've become porky. The Girlfriend blames a fast food company that shall remain McNameless, since, as I said before, I hate being sued. At one point in time, I was consuming 3 egg muffins for breakfast and 2 BigMc's (ha) and a 1/4 pound burger with cheese for dinner. The Girlfriend made me stop, not because of my waistline, but because of my cholesterol. We agreed that I would give up the Mc for good.

This McAddiction is a funny thing. There are no 12 step programs, there are no McMethadone clinics and there is no McAnonymous to help us. And there are no sympathetic friends trying to help you fight your 2-all-beef-pattys,-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun demons.

I believe it's been said that idle hands are the Devil's playground. Last night my buddy came over to drop off the dog I'm dog sitting for a few days and we decided to go to dinner. The evil temptress that she is, she suggested we eat at the Mc. The devil was not in a blue dress this time, but in tan shorts and a yellow "Miami" t-shirt.

I could hear the disappointment in the Girlfriends voice as I accepted the temptresses offer. My mouth watering and sweating I entered my McCrack house. I went to my dealer and ordered my poison; the above referenced 2-all-beef-pattys and a 1/4 pound burger with cheese and with a medium fry on the side.

OHMYGOD, there was a hiccup in the fullfillment. One of the burger boxes was for a Cinnamon Bun. "I didn't order a Cinnamon Bun," I say sternly to my dealer. Ready to take her to the mat, I shake at the prospect of not getting my fatty-beef fix. The dealer explains that they've run out of the proper boxes, but my requested hit is in this inappropriate container. Calmed, I feel better instantly.

With my tray full of goodies, we find a seat among the other McJunkies. Pictures of the redheaded clown are everywhere. I open my first "box of rain" and bite it. I house this burger violently until I've consumed the whole thing and then do to the same to the next. Now finished, I am both happily satiated and longing for more, but I can see her face in my mind. Her blue eyes filled with disappointment by my long and hard fall off the wagon.

I go home and go to sleep. All is well until about 4am. I get a case of the "Julia Roberts." While many of you will not understand this reference, suffice it to say I spent much time on my porcelain confessional pouring my "heart" out.

Someone, please hear my cry for help and get me the only thing out there for McJunkies such as I: the DVD of SuperSize Me.

Leaving on a jet plane...Just kidding

2005-08-09T13:02:00.000-04:00

Well, the Girlfriend is off on vacation. (sigh) We're still at the stage in the relationship where I will miss her. My friends that are either married or in LTR's tell me this will fade. She flew out yesterday for the first leg of her vacation. Unfortunately, it was not as smooth as she would have liked.

She flew a crack airline that shall remain nameless since I hate being sued. She was supposed to leave a bit before 1pm and arrive a bit after 2. She didn't. She was chronically delayed and arrived after 5. This sucked because it was of course her first leg of her trip. She was then driving for 12 hours. She arrived at her destination safely around 5 am. When she called, I was asleep, so 5 am is an approximate time.

Her situation with this airline reminds me of a funny story with my Ex. Ex was flying back home to Florida after our freshman year of college. My parents and I drove her to the airport. These were the times before we worried about terrorists, so we were able to walk her to the gate.

We get to the counter by the gate and see the flight is delayed, but the plane is actually at the gate. There is a very worried family looking for a passenger that, according to the flight manifest, got on the plane but didn't get off. The flight attended comes off the plane and talks to the family of the lost passenger. "He doesn't appear to be in his seat, there is just a wet spot there." WHAT??? Was he vaporized?

They ended up finding him, the poor old man, locked in the loo.

Shock and Awe

2005-08-08T01:49:00.000-04:00

My Girlfriend's birthday is the last weekend in September. Being the anal-retentive planner that I am, I started planning the big event in June and bought her gift (the major one) on Saturday at Tiffany's.

You might be asking, "Koog, why Tiffany's? That store is so sophisticated and classy and decidedly not you" Let me explain. In preparation for purchasing, I scoured the internet for the perfect gift. I looked at Celtic, platinum, custom and any other kind of jewelry you can think of. Before throwing up my hands and heading to Home Depot, I checked out Tiffany. Lo and behold, they had cool stuff at not too ridiculous prices. I looked at the site and found some rings that I thought she'd like, vetted them to my friends that have taste and was excited see them in the store.

So I, along with a trusted pair of advisors (my Ex and my Neighbor) went to Tiffany's to buy for a ring for the Girlfriend. I need to bring advisors because I suck and I know it, and this girl is special and deserves something better than a Home Depot gift certificate or an American Chopper t-shirt.

After exchanging niceties with the large security guard at the door, we head to the left (cheap) side of the store in search of the perfect gift. I immediately find the one I liked on the internet. It's so not right for her. Not sophisticated enough. After making the very nice sales lady take nearly every ring out of the case, I finally decided on one and my pair of advisors (both of whom had already told me to look at this particular design) agreed that this was perfect for the Girl.

After a struggle to part with my Check Card, I gave it to the sales lady and she wrapped up my Girl's gift.

Now, I realize that I have over a month and a half before the birthday to hang on to this gift. Oh no, this is not good. I have no self control. When I got home, I looked at myself in the mirror and said "Self, you have to stay strong. Don't give in to the instant gratification of immediate gift giving. You're better than that." After that firm but inspiring inner monologue, I felt invincible, completely in control.

With my new found arrogance and control, I put the blue bag in my car. Mocking my prior lack of discipline, I picked her up from work and took her home.

I'm so in control, I bring the bag in her house, mocking the temptation to deliver early.

Oh no, what's this? I look in her eyes and she melts my resolve. Could she know what I have with me? I did not expect this type of underhanded attack! Oh God, she's still looking at me. While talking to me about a seemingly innocuous topic, I'm deafened by the undertone of the conversation. Taunting me, with the account of her day, I am defeated.

The blue bag that I put before her made her laugh. She called me a loser for not being able to wait. Pretending she didn't launch an attack worthy of shock and awe on my army of self control.

She unties the white bow and tries to play it cool. I can tell she's excited. The cover comes off, the pouch opens and... She loves the ring! She mocks me for my lack of discipline. I smile and tell her I want her to have it for her vacation.

Immediately the ring is residing on her finger. I take a deep breath and smile to my self.

Later that evening, I got an e-mail from her with the following message: "I love my ring!"

Here it is...

2005-08-08T01:47:00.000-04:00

the much blogged about ring.

new favorite saying...

2005-08-04T18:48:00.000-04:00

...mounting the artifacts. (hehehe)

Shopping for Romance

2005-08-04T18:21:00.000-04:00

I'm bored at work. To prevent myself from falling asleep on the desk, I decided to do some internet shopping. With the Girlfriend celebrating a birthday soon, I decided to peruse the web to find the perfect gift. I already have one gift in mind, I'm going to get it this weekend. (Sorry, no hints) But I'm looking for something a bit more romantic.

While I try to be romantic, I'm not. I border on insensitive. So, since I'm trying to change my ways, I decided to let Google help me out. I entered "romantic birthday gifts" in the search engine and let'er rip. This was no help. Just a link to things she would hate. Gold roses, incense, strange jewelry and Winnie the Pooh quotes.

I don't know why I'm having such trouble with this. So much pressure. It's the first birthday she's celebrating with me and if I don't do this right, it may be the last. But she's frugal so spending lots of money is not an option. (Thank God!)

Does a gift certificate to Home Depot say "you're special?" It might, she does like HGTV.

Almost Famous

2005-08-04T13:19:00.000-04:00

I was home sick yesterday. There is something to be said for staying in bed sleeping all day. My Girlfriend took good care of me, making lunch, doing laundry and napping with me. After lunch we decided to watch a movie.

Usually she is suspect (which she should be) of my movie choices. My favorites include Dumb and Dumber, Old School, Anchor Man, or the oldie-but-goodie Porky's. She, on the other hand loves Fried Green Tomatoes, Elizabeth or any movie that does not feature a nude Will Farrell.
What fun is a movie without a crack shot of Will Farrell?

Anyway, after lunch I brought up 3 movies for us to choose from "Master and Commander," (but since I was already nauseous, this was not a good choice), "Da Ali G Show"(first season, respek) and Almost Famous. We agreed that we should watch "Master and Commander" on the widescreen in the basement another day, she didn't even consider Ali G, so we decided on Almost Famous.

Sleeping through movies is pretty typical for us. I'm not sure we've ever been able to stay awake through a film. She just loves to sleep and due to my advanced age, any place dark and warm puts me out. I had no confidence that we'd actually see the movie. Earlier in the day, we'd both slept through "Garden State". So I go ahead and put in the DVD, adjust the sound and jump back in bed. Much to my surprise, we made it though and she ENJOYED it!

It's all happening......

brithdays, growing up and falling asleep at the bar

2005-08-02T17:01:00.000-04:00

I just celebrated my 33rd birthday. I still feel like I'm 14 and I still act like I'm 10. Will I ever grow up? It was with this question I started my weekend long birthday extravaganza. As I reminiced my 32nd year, I realized that alot had happened to me last year; new house, a new car (twice) and a new girlfriend. The latter has forced me to mature at a faster rate than I had been in the previous 32. Forced may be a strong term, there were no, "it's the foosball table or ME" ultimatums (thanks, honey) or "I took the liberty of selling your drums on Ebay." She's so not like that. Maybe I should say she guided me to discover the slightly more adult version of myself.

Take the Land Rover situation. I was spending $600 per month in gas to power that thing as she lives more than 40 miles from me. She told me to consider a new car. I considered a BMW Z4. She said it was hard to fit 2 people and a large dog in a 2 seater. I agreed and purchased a BMW 325i, which, in her opinion, I drive far too fast. Some things I can not change.

On the second day of my extravaganza, we cleaned my garage. Again, so out of character for someone that used to play GTA: San Andreas in my pajamas on weekends and eat pizza. After the cleansing, we met my friends at one of my favorite watering holes in DC. After consuming a mere 3 beers and 3 SoCo shots I fell asleep AT THE BAR. Not passed out, FELL ASLEEP.

Sunday, the third and final day of my birthday weekend. We finished cleaning the garage. I found my winter hat collection. The girlfriend hates these hats, which make me love them even more. My favorite one is blue wool, with ear flaps and long rope tassels. It's lined with polar fleece. I wore it all day. It was 90 degrees and sunny. I think I lost weight from my head. Why you may ask? I have only one answer: My youth is gone. All I have left is my immaturity.

I am old and lame, but still extremely good looking.