Thursday, February 02, 2006

Out of Alignment

I think this will be my last post for a while, I think I've lost my inspiration. The girlfriend and I may not make it. "Koog, what the hell happened?" you may ask. The answer is I'm not sure.

The other night we were talking, and I broke my cardinal rule; I asked a question I didn't want to hear the answer to. I asked her if she loved me or if she was in love with me. After a pause that seemed like eternal silence, she looked at me with those eyes I know so well, and she didn't have to say a word. That eternal silence turned into an piercing tone that shattered my heart. I know, I know, Koog isn't that sensitive, but I am.

After much consultation with friends and family that love us as individuals and as a couple, we come to the conclusion that it's semantics. We agree that we're better together, we love each other too much to walk away. She tells me she's happy, that she's made a mistake, all of the things I want to here, but it's different now. I can't explain it. I don't want to loose her, but I feel like I already have. Not because she wants to leave, but because she's somehow different to me. The woman that has crushed my heart can't be the same one I entrusted with it.

There is a war between my head and my heart. My head tells me (with an I-told-you-so arrogance) to walk away and never look back. I trusted too much. I was too exposed. It reminds me of my previous relationship. It's heard this before. You can't make someone love you. It tells me to get out now before you lose another 12 years.

But, my heart says stay. It makes me look into her eyes and see our future. Remember our dreams. It reminds me that I love her and I can't turn that off. My heart says all is not lost, this is only a bump in the road. This is nothing like my previous relationship. Her actions and words don't match. It tells me she's scared and that's why she's pushing me away. It tells me if I leave I'll always wonder, "what if?"

The sounds of battle are deafening and the collateral damage is great. I'm stuck between these 2 rival forces, immobile.

It's funny how life makes you witness things that, at the time seem unnecessary, but come back as a beacon getting you through the darkest night. For example, My favorite aunt died of cancer in May of 2005. She was only 52 years old and the loss was devastating for my Uncle. They were the most devoted couple, best friends and lovers. I've always considered them my relationship role models. At her funeral, the Priest talked about their relationship. Now, those that know me well, know I'm not the most religious person; but what he said about their marriage has stuck with me for some reason. Relationships always start out level, perfectly aligned. As they grow, sometimes one person rises above the other or stumbles below. When they realize that their partner is not on aligned, they wait for them to catch up, or they go back and help them rise. It's ok to be out of alignment, people grow and learn at different speeds and in different ways. What matters is that in the end the couple always returns to level. He said that alignment was the sign of true love.

So here I sit, downstairs, alone at the keyboard writing an entry I know she'll read. She is upstairs, resting in preparation for a busy day at work. Two people on different planes and out of alignment. I've stopped to look for her, I'm just not sure she wants to be found.