Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Finding a companion for GZ…A call to the wild

So, I’m in talking with my officemate, GZ, and she’s telling me about this wedding she must attend in April and she needs a date. This is causing her much stress, which leads to a very stressful workday for Koog.

Ever since I’ve known GZ, which has been all of 4 months, she’s been looking for a companion. Now, she’s barking up the wrong tree asking me for dating advice. All of my friends are either married, too old or pervs. A select few are all of the above and I salute each and every one of you!

OK, so back to GZ. She needs a date. Here are her criteria (in order of importance):

1. Must be hot. (if you’re hot, married and pervy are fine)
2. Tall (no midgets will be considered at this time)
3. Witty (I’ve tried to tell her that I’m witty, but alas, I am too short)
4. Must have most, if not all teeth (white-ish is preferred)
5. Clothing is NOT optional (at the wedding, the after party is negotiable)

If you’re interested, send an e-mail and a pic to koog.rules@gmail.com.

Void where prohibited by law.

Resolutions and Dissolutions

So it’s 2006. My annual tradition of making and breaking New Year’s resolutions is in full swing.

On New Year’s Eve, I resolved to:

-Work out more (because I’m becoming increasingly porky)
-Stop complaining about being coupled (when I’m secretly ecstatic about it)
-Stop throwing my clothes on the floor
-Clean out my closet to make more room for the Girlfriend’s stuff
-Delete the myriad episodes of American Chopper from the Girlfriends TiVo
-Give up “Good and Plenty” candy, cold turkey

It’s the third week in January, and I have to say, I’m failing miserably on nearly all of my resolutions. I can’t even say, “I’ve tried,” because on some, I haven’t.

OK, let’s do a re-cap of my status on each resolution:

Work out more —this has already been broken, as I have actually worked out less in all of 2006 than I did in the last week of December 2005. Soon, I’ll need to wear my pants below my belly and exit my house sideways to make room for my girth. After that, it's plumbers crack and an intervention on Oprah.

Stop complaining about being coupled—This was broken just this past weekend when I told my buddy I’d sell my girlfriend for an hour with Jessica Simpson. My Girlfriend and my buddie’s wife were not amused. I tried to clarify that I probably wouldn’t “sell her” per se, but there was no digging out of that hole. In reality, I wouldn’t give her up for anything, not even Jessica Simpson. I mean, Jessica can’t even cook!

Stop throwing my clothes on the floor—Broken at 1:29 am 1/1/06, at a hotel in Washington, DC. The girlfriend is moving to drastic measures on this one. She’s started to shame me, bringing up my dresser/hamper to my friends and sending me messages on "classes" focused on differentiating the floor from the laundry basket.

Clean out my closet to make more room for the Girlfriend’s stuff—This is the only resolution I can count as complete. The Girlfriend and I did it 2 weeks ago. I parted with some of my most prized articles of clothing; all but 1 pair of plaid Bermuda shorts, many classic T-shirts with sayings like “Sure Thing” and “¿Donde Estan Mis Pantelones?” The latter was too painful to part with, so I kept it as a “dust cloth.” When the Girl’s away, the T and I will play. I hope she doesn’t read this….

Delete the myriad episodes of American Chopper from the Girlfriends TiVo—I think this is becoming a bother to the Girlfriend. At her place, we have 2 TiVo’s; one in the living room and one in the bedroom. The one in the living room is all hers. Lot’s of HGTV and PBS crap, I mean quality broadcasts, saved on it. I’ve staked claim to the bedroom TiVo. The Girlfriend and I have different opinions of quality entertainment. I like American Chopper, Wife Swap, Football, and Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. She tolerates all of these shows because she’s patient and, I think, may have a strange, unexplained fondness for me. So, we’re watching TV in bed last month and I hit the “Now Playing” list on TiVo and like 50 American Chopper episodes appear. She very calmly turns to me and says, “Babe, maybe you should delete some of these”. Fast forward a month, and on Sunday night we’re watching TV in bed, I hit the “Now Playing” list, and again, a butt load of American Chopper episodes appear. She’s not amused because now the TiVo is full and her “Designed to Sell” episodes have not recorded in nearly a month. She’s puzzled by the mass quantity of American Chopper's, but I explain that I don’t want to miss a minute of those crazy Teutle boys and set the TiVo to keep all episodes until I delete them. She turns over, disgusted with me and my fondness for all things OCC. It was a long, cold night.

Give up “Good and Plenty” candy cold turkey—This is my Achilles heel. I love these things and I don’t know why! They’re like little pink and white crack licorice. There is a store in my building and the sweet little shopkeeper buys cases just for me. I’m up to 3 boxes a day. My officemate, I’ll call her the Genius Zygote or GZ, because she’s way too smart and way too young, has offered to hide my junk and will physically restrain me should I try to buy more. Thanks, GZ. This will help me prevent that Oprah Intervention I talked about earlier.