konfessions of the Koog

Posts

Broken

Hello Koog Fans! It’s been a minute since I’ve posted.Those that actually know me, understand life has thrown a lot at me these past 18 months or so. I think it’s important to be honest about my hiatus, I have been taking care of my mental health. In the span of 18 months, Mrs. Koog had breast cancer and a double mastectomy, I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, Mrs. Koog endured painful reconstruction, then complications with reconstruction and one final surgery on July 5, then Momma Koog got sick, then Momma Koog got sicker, then Momma Koog moved into our family room, then we had our house turned upside down for hardwood floors upstairs and finally we had a chairlift installed so Momma Koog could have an actual bedroom with an actual bathroom. Oh yeah, I also had a full body blister rash that started in October and was not going away in spite of the dermatologist giving me every frickin cream, gel and lotion known to man. And it itched. And it wasn’t chicken pox or shingles, it...

Winter-Part 2

When Mrs. Koog got the breast cancer diagnosis, she decided her course of treatment would be double mastectomy with autologous reconstruction. Since they couldn't do the surgery in one procedure due to surgical suite availability for the duration of the ~20 hour surgery, it was done in 2 parts. Double mastectomy and implants for a while then the autologous reconstruction a few months later. While Mrs. Koog looked amazing with her new bubbies, they were aggressive. Like Real Housewives aggressive. That look is really not Mrs. K's jam. Plus, she had many nightmares of puncturing those babies while she did one of her less glamorous chores like chainsawing trees or digging ditches. Suffice it to say, she wanted them out and her own tissue in. The plastic surgeon she sees is amazing. And very handsome. And he looks like he is 14. Anyway, he could not stop admiring his handiwork at every appointment. It was almost creepy...almost. He was very honest about the surgery and the rec...

Winter-Part 1

It was big. It was long. It was hard. (Get your minds out of the gutter). Shortly before Christmas, Mrs. Koog got the 1/31 date for the autologous reconstruction surgery. We were warned to get everything done that needed 2 people because as of 1/31 she was out of commission. Strangely, I took this as a challenge. Here's what we (I) decided we needed to accomplish between 1/1 and 1/30: 1. Clean out garage 2. Order huge new television, 5 speaker sound system with only a notional plan on how to hang it in our family room 3. Due to #2, completely rearrange the family room due to both the new TV, speakers and the GINORMUS lift chair we got to assist the Mrs. after surgery 4. Move B-Koog from his current bedroom, where he and E-Koog share a bathroom, to a new bedroom so he has his own bathroom to prevent more violence due to gross bathroom habits (another blog completely) 5. Buy B-Koog new bed since new room will not fit current bed 6. Paint B-Koog's new room and bathroom...

Gotta Run

It’s been more than two weeks since I’ve last written. The best news is surgery #1 was successful in evicting the cancer. We are so grateful to the surgical team at Georgetown University Lombardi Cancer Clinic/Oursman Breast Center. There are still some unknowns when it comes to treatment and the more extensive surgery #2, but no cancer is a great phrase to hear and write. I should be in a very celebratory mood, right? I’m not. It’s strange this existence I’m inhabiting right now. The things that used to incite joy just don’t anymore. As a matter of fact, I can’t seem to find joy or contentment anywhere. What is wrong with me? Luckily, I do have much more headspace for work, so that’s been a slight change for the better. Before the cancer was out, I worked but really just meandered through the day with limited brain capacity to think about anything other than Mrs. Koog and the “possible but not probable” outcome. But as for my non-work life, I’d describe it as uncomfortable. ...

Sea Sick

I’m sitting here in the surgical waiting room at Medstar Georgetown University (MGUH). So many of our friends and family offered to accompany me during this vigil. I couldn’t articulate why I needed to be alone, but I just felt like I needed to silently grieve what my wife was losing and I didn’t want to burden anyone with that heavy silence. When I am stressed, I write. Ever since I was a kid, words were always my source of comfort in times of crisis and they were my source of memory in times of fun and excitement. But today, a day when I have such acute feelings of sadness, grief and gratitude, I find I’ve lost my words. I thought about why this was as I wandered (read: got lost) the MGUH labyrinth of buildings in search of food. Finally finding the Chick-Fil-A, grabbing my food and swallowing my tears it hit me. I didn’t lose my vocabulary, there’s just so many layers to the sadness, fear and gratitude it's overwhelming and it's very close to the surface. Arriving at the...

Grief and Appreciation

(Disclaimer: My thoughts are scattered these days. Trying to put together a coherent narrative is hard. Please be kind with any criticism of my rambling. These are my thoughts and feelings as I’m experiencing them in real-time.) I feel like I’m caught in a rip current of sadness and grief. It’s a funny thing, grief. It’s like an insidious wave of water just waiting to pull me from safety and stability. Lately, everything has become a trigger. EVERYTHING. Songs, leftovers in the fridge, memories, pictures, driving, soccer games, groceries…like I said, everything. We spent last weekend driving to and from upstate NY to return Momma-Koog home after watching the boys for us the prior weekend. I drove E-Koog, Mrs. Koog and Momma-Koog last Friday night. B-Koog, the newly minted Leader of his Scout Patrol, was at a Camporee last weekend. Anyway, we picked up E-Koog from school at lunchtime and got on the road for the 7 hour ride to the 518. About 25 miles into the drive, I bega...